Clients often ask me this question, or some variant, trying to ‘normalize’ their efforts to avoid anything that can trigger feelings of loss of their Beloved.  These triggers then become a client’s avoidance list, as I call it, which defines the very essence of what grief work endeavors to address.  Below is a sampling of clients’ statements defending avoidance of ‘IT’ along with my replies.  Maybe you will recognize yourself in one of the below comments …

      “Why do I have to talk about something that brings up so much pain? It’s not like I’ve forgotten, I’d just rather not talk about it and stir things up unnecessarily!” Conversations and questions that lead survivors back into the murky waters of pain-filled memories is not the grief work many envisioned undertaking.  Yet it’s essential to healthy healing.

      “I refuse to give into the tears … what’s the point of crying?  Nothing is gonna bring back my Beloved or ‘fix’ this nightmare that is now My Life!  So I just don’t cry.  Besides, it makes me a mess for too long!” Mental chatter, not grief work.  While it’s true that crying can’t ‘fix’ what is noted here, tears ‘fix’ other problems.  Again, crying is essential to healthy healing.

      “I keep the door to my child’s bedroom closed.  It’s easier that way.” OR “I stay away from some areas in my home where the memories are really strong.” (including closets and drawers stuffed with ‘triggers’). I call this mummifying areas in one’s home – freezing it in time – and such avoidance decidedly jeopardizes healthy healing.

      “I’ve found other routes to avoid driving by certain places that stir up too much pain.”  This can be the cemetery, a favorite restaurant, the old neighborhood, or The Hospital or accident site.  Avoiding places that hold traumatic memories is a commonly used strategy for emotional protection of grievers.  But it’s not useful for achieving healthy healing.

      Resuming activities, like “watching TV together or working in the yard or around the house makes me really long for my Partner.  I avoid it because it really depresses me.”  Doing a variety of things after the loss that we once shared with our Beloved before the loss, is far more difficult than imagined!  So the choice is often made to simply avoid.

      Similarly, I often hear, “I change the radio station when I hear a song that we both loved … too painful a reminder of what I’ve lost”  So much pain, so much avoidance.  So many unhealthy choices.

      Finally, most all clients create, unwittingly, a very busy, busy, busy schedule that keep them distracted and, hopefully, shielded from imprints that “blind-sided me, dammit!”  Clients especially hate unexpected emotional outbursts.  Hence the avoidance of people, places and things as their safety net.  But being blind-sided happens anyway., much to clients’ shagrim.   Healthy healing is the best solution.

But you ask, “why is avoidance so emotionally unhealthy? It does help keep the pain of the loss at bay, at least for a while!, right?”  No, wrong!  In conclusion, here’s a brief summary paragraph of ‘Why?’ to not avoid.

      Avoidance shrinks our world, creating ‘no tresspassing‘ gates, so to speak, that we won’t open to avoid our pain.  Avoidance stops us from eroding and flattening our pain – healthy tools for healing (not avoiding) our pain.  Avoidance actually causes us to push farther away our beloved!  Instead of memories of people, places and things becoming ‘warm fuzzies’, they are pushed far away, buried in unopened ‘pockets of pain that are not healed-by-time!  Lastly, avoidance often is chosen to protect grievers from guilt that is triggered when we think of IT.  Guilt is an enormous hindrance to healthy healing; a real source of fuel for avoidance.

There’s so much more to understand about avoidance.  So if you too think some of these same thoughts, come see – or video chat – me to get the ‘full scoop’ on this thing called healthy healing!  I know it’s achievable!